mGa KuRo-KuRo Ni Ka UrO

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sagot ko sa liham ni Linda

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Hi Linda,

Lubos akong nalungkot sa iyong liham. Most times I’m too naive and too trusting of people and I have a tendency to romanticize things. But your letter jolted me back to reality. That life's not perfect. I now think that your case might just be the tip of the iceberg. That there are others with the same predicament as you. That there are more Filipinas like you who feel abused and unappreciated. They feel like captives of their husbands and don’t know where to turn to. They can’t get any help from the system like NZIS, because the slightest hint of their troubles can in fact be used by their husbands and NZIS to deport them.

Due to the lack of external support and no one to talk to, you feel helpless. Katulad ng sinabi mo para kang lumulubog sa kumunoy. It is bad to feel helpless, but far worse to feel hopeless. So Linda, sana huwag kang mawalan ng pag-asa. Makakaya mo yan.

In your current situation, to be blunt about it, I can say that you are practically a prisoner of your husband. But I tell you, even if he puts you in a cage, he won't succeed in locking your mind and spirit. UNLESS you allow him to. Conversely, if you allow him to control your mind through his threats, then he doesn’t need chains to bind you. Because practically, you’re already his slave.

So where to now Linda? You have a number of options.

One option is to get out from the relationship. You can do this two ways. Una, basta lumayas ka na lang. Bad idea (unless you feel your life is threatened) because if you do it this way, he has no recourse but to report you to the authorities. The other way of getting out of your relationship is by mutual agreement, or amicable settlement. Who knows baka yun din ang gusto niyang mangyari. If you split as friends, there is a greater probability that he'll still be supportive of you staying in NZ. Either way, with option 1, you won't get a residency visa via the Partnership Policy.

Another option, if you think you can qualify under the Skilled Migrant Category (SMC) is to transfer your residency applicaton from Family Category (partner policy) to SMC. If you go through the SMC route, your relationship with your husband becomes irrelevant. However, if you leave him prior to your getting a WTR or PR visa via the SMC route, NZIS might still give you a hard time. So this option, just to be sure also requires some waiting game.

The last option will be to stick it out with him. If you could make him change and make your relationship work out so much the better. In 12 months, you can have your work visa converted to a permanent visa.

Once you have a PR visa and you decide to divorce him, will you be safe then? Hindi na ba pwedeng i-revoke ng NZIS ang PR mo? The bad news is that pwede pang i-revoke ng immigration ang visa ng kahit na sino if that person misrepresented themselves, lied, falsified documents or committed any form of dishonesty.

May mga precedents na kung saan na-revoke ang visa kahit matagal na sila dito. In a partner relationship, Immigration must be satisfied beyond doubt that the couple are living together in a genuine and stable relationship for at least 12 months. Should your husband file a complaint against you that your relationship wasn’t genuine even after you've acquired a PR visa, then there is a possibility that your PR could be revoked. Of course, your husband will need to substantiate his allegations.

There was a case about 5 years ago of a Filipina who was deported. She was married to a Kiwi. The Kiwi was maltreating her and she wanted to get out of their relationship. The Kiwi found a letter from the Filipina to her mother saying something like she was having a hard time with her husband and that she intends to divorce him as soon as she gets a PR. Tagalog o Bisaya pa nga yata yung sulat. The husband brought the letter to Immigration and had it translated. In the end, NZIS used that as evidence to deport the Filipina saying that their relationship was not “genuine and stable”; that the wife was only using the guy to acquire residency. Kawawang Pinay, kinaladkad papuntang airport kahit siya’y buntis nung time na yon. Walang nagawa kahit mga abogado.

So my first IMPORTANT advice to you, if your objective is to only to acquire a PR, to not put that in any form of writing, kahit email, because that could be used as evidence against you. Kung may email, i-delete mo. Maging yung Recycle Bin at Deleted Folder sa Outlook, i-empty mo. Also don’t mention your intention to anyone.

My next advice is for you to find a job, kahit part-time. Tama ang sabi ni Troskybee dahil kung may job ka kahit papaano makakatakas ka sa bahay for short periods. At kung may sarili kang pera, hindi ka basta-basta pwedeng sigaw-sigawan ng asawa mo. You’ll get your self-esteem and life back at magiging mabilis pa ang paglipas ng mga araw. Having your own income and savings is good for your security and also gives you a certain level of independence. Hindi ka kailangan umasa sa asawa mo for everything.

My last advice, huwag muna kayong mag-anak. Hopefully, wala pa nga.

If you really assess your situation, hindi pa naman grabe (I hope you agree).

1. Hindi siya relihiyoso. Maybe the reason why God allowed you to marry him is for you to win him back to God. Ipakita mo ang kabutihan ng Diyos, but don’t be preachy about it.

2. Totoong common ang marijuana sa ibang Kiwi. But it is also common kahit sa iba nating mga kababayan. Again, andiyan ka siguro para ikaw ang magturo ng tamang landas para sa kanya.

3. Siguro kaya niya nailihim na may anak siya nung nililigawan ka pa lang niya dahil mahal ka niya. Inisip niya siguro na baka hindi mo siya ibigin kung ito’y hindi niya inilihim.

4. Baka naman mahiyain lang siya kaya ayaw niyang maki-sosyal sa ibang Pinay. Okay din yon, baka agawin pa siya ng iba, di ba?

5. Ako nanonood din ng porno. Komon lang yon sa mga lalaki. May time din na nahilig akong magpunta sa mga malalaswang site sa net. Noon, dahil sa pakikisama, madalas kaming nagpapa-umaga sa mga beerhouse at nanonood ng mga “shows”. Pero ngayon sawa na ako. I’m sure, ganon din siya. Magsasawa din yan.

6. Kung "disrespectful" siya sa kanyang magulang, ito’y gawa ng pagpapalaki sa kanila. Komon yan sa mga puti hindi lang dito sa NZ. Culturally, iba kasi ang upbringing nila kumpara sa atin. For them all adults regardless kung parents nila have same social standings as them.

7. If you have your own income, hindi kanya basta-basta pwedeng sigaw-sigawan.

8. The way you sounded it is as if you’re only relying on him to provide you the future you want. Mag-asawa kayo, so you two should work together as one for that future. Sa mag-asawa, dapat teamwork, di ba?

Sana makatulong ito sa iyo. Mag-iingat ka. Be strong and pray always.

k u


17 Comments:

  • good advice sir! clap, clap, clap!

    By Blogger idealpinkrose, at 12:05 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • Baka balak mo ng palitan si MAM CHARO at MEL Tianggo sa pag bibigay ng advice no?! heheh! galing Yohooo!!!

    Minsan akala natin dagok na tayo sa lahat ng problema, pero gaya ng advice mo minsan pag subok lang yan.

    ang galing ni KA ernie.. este ni Ka uro! hehe!!

    wag monang kunin chokleyts ni Ella. diba marami nman jan? o gusto mo padalhan kita? hehe

    By Blogger tutubing_karayom, at 2:49 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • idealpinkrose and TK, thank you sa compliments.

    TK,
    salamat din sa offer mo ng chocolates. binibiro ko lang naman si els. actually, di naman ako mahilig sa imported chocolates. choconut lang pwede na sa akin.

    By Blogger Ka Uro, at 2:58 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • kaya dapat mga manliligaw nilalasing muna bago sagutin para lumabas tunay na kulay...hehehehe biro lang po! ;)

    By Blogger VemSan, at 7:33 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • Thank you so much KU. I felt relieve sa lahat ng payo nyo sa akin. My problems not yet solve but with all the advices you gave me guys I know they will be. Tama ka KU I allowed my husband doing these things to me. That’s one thing I need to change. I actually wanted out but as you know I consider that I love him. Anyways di nga lang ako pinalad I ended up with a “bungi” ika nga sa kasabihan. I know he loves me and he’s too afraid that I will leave him. Kaya everytime na sinasabi ko na I might be leaving that’s the time he’s threatening me na papadeport nia ko coz he knows I have friends in NZ that I can run to. Wla po nakakaalam ng real situation ko and wla magiging proof even emails from me (kayo lang). I can say “Genuine naman po ang relationship namin thou UNSTABLE”. With your comment that I might be the key to bring him back to God, I will love too thou its hard may God shows me the path on how to. When he's mad lagi nia rin me sinasabihan na itatapon nia yung Mama Mary and Crucifix namin. He allows me to go to church anyways every Sunday since I don’t drive he’s the one taking me to church so me possibilities. With the “child” issue (that’s a second child) you are definitely right he loves me that he’s afraid to lose me muntik na kc kami maghiwalay when he told me bout the first child before kami nagpakasal. Mahiyain nga po cia pero di ito ang feeling ko na ko dahilan & di ko lam ang dahilan.. Tama ka rin that I relied on him for our future. That’s mind set need to be change too.
    I do followed your advice, Im trying to look for any kind of work right now, saka na muna ang pride even its not yet on my field just to establish my own income and para makalabas din ng bahay as most of you suggested. Maraming salamat sana I can have the strength to change a lot of things. My mother in law also wanted us to be in marriage counselling but ayaw nia. Naiyak ako after reading this answer from u KU napakabait nyo, KU you are really a blessing, keep as a God’s instrument I know marami ka pang matutulungan.SALAMAT!!!

    By Anonymous Linda, at 8:27 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • nice advice..i guess the best way out for her is to find a job and regain that precious self-esteem... problem kasi sa ating mga pinoy, feeling natin pag palamunin tayo ng asawa natin e me utang na loob na tayo sa kanila that we have to swallow everything kahit na di na tayo masaya... and since ganun na rin lang, then work and get that 'yabang sa katawan' di ba ... im sure she will regain confidence and freedom by having her own job.. her own money ..

    By Anonymous analyse, at 8:31 PM, May 31, 2006  

  • i felt sad with the story of lydia...para akong nalumpo sa kwento..ang hirap pag ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon...pero ang hirap din pala magbigay ng advise...thnx KU at may mga taong tulad mo!pahingi naman ng chocolyt na sinasabi ni TK!naglaway ako dun ah!;)

    pray ka lang ate lydia...walang imposible sa dasal..dalasan mo pagpunta sa church hangga't maisipan na rin ng husband mo na sabayan ka sa pagpasok kesa ihatid ka lang! malay natin!di ba?

    By Blogger ev, at 3:31 AM, June 01, 2006  

  • Good advice Ka Uro. Minsan, sa isang sitwasyon, mabuti talaga iyong mga obdyektibong pananaw.

    Para kay Linda, I wish her the best. Nawa ay malampasan niya ang mga pagsubok na ito. Huwag sana siyang panghinaan ng loob.

    By Blogger Rhada, at 5:06 AM, June 01, 2006  

  • Well said, Tito KU!

    By Anonymous trotskybee, at 8:08 AM, June 01, 2006  

  • Good Advice Ka Uro.

    Personally, taking the matter to Court would have destroyed the relationship but she will gain her freedom. Is getting a PR worth the price of freedom? Even if she eventually gets it, there's no guarantee.

    This is a bad experience that's best forgotten asap. Linda does not strike me as someone who is ignorant or stupid. She appears smart, educated and capable. She can fend for herself. She can opt to cut her losses, walk out of the relationship and start anew. Yes, this means going back to RP but, the devil known is better than the devil unknown.

    It's not the place that makes a house a home, it's the person you're with that tells your heart you're home. The most inhospitable place on the planet is not the desert of the Sahara or the North pole. Any place that thwarth a person's freedom and creativity as well as stifle or demean her development is the most inhospitable place on Earth. Linda may be in New Zealand but she might just as well be in a Nazi camp.

    There's always a way around things. Linda may appear to be in a no win situation, but it only seem that way. As Einstein said "your current problem cannot be solved by your current state of mind."

    Viewing Linda from a 3rd party perspective, I suggest being extremely objective and strategic in handling the situation. Dump all emotions, forget they're married, and apply Sun Tzu's Art of War. This is a bitter pill to swallow and may be in conflict with you and Linda's paradigm. I respect her predicament and your sympathy. I sympatize with her too, but sympathy, emotions, hope including maligned views of baka, siguro and akala won't solve the problem. I think, a hard nosed approach executed with surgical precision will provide better results.

    But then again, that's just me and I may be wrong.

    By Blogger T2 onit, at 12:55 PM, June 01, 2006  

  • t2onit, masyado kang mapusok. gusto mo laban kaagad. hahaha.

    but seriously, let's not only be objective but also be practical. there is no guarantee in life. staying put and giving up freedom won't guarantee her a PR. but i think more so a court battle.

    what you're proposing is for her to walk out of her husband and go back home. i believe that's too drastic. for me that's acceptance of defeat. unless she's in real danger, i wouldn't advise her that.

    you prefer Sun Tzu's approach of direct confrontation. i go the other way. i prefer Andy Dufresne low-key approach in Shawshank Redemption. serve time, be patient. while improving things to a bearable level, keep out of trouble, plan your escape, and execute it cleanly. in LESS THAN A YEAR, linda will have her own redemption.

    if linda plays her cards well, a PR is guaranteed. but then again, a PR is no guarantee to happiness. for happiness comes from within, not from without.

    By Blogger Ka Uro, at 2:35 PM, June 01, 2006  

  • nice advice ka uro! i hope and pray that linda's fate would be the same as tim robbin's character on that movie... hopefully not the other way around...

    By Anonymous jon, at 8:29 PM, June 01, 2006  

  • Thanks for your comment. I have to see that movie. Kung Inglis 'yun, I hope more than one week ang rental period.

    I'm not proposing anything drastic. Leaving her hubby is not an option...for now. The Art of War is not about direct confrontation. Linda can play her hubby to the hilt without the latter realizing he's been had. She can stay with him and get her PR sans risk, ie. have her cake and eat it too! Her hubby is just part of the equation. He's a means to an end.

    Bottom line, if Linda wants to win, she will win. Hence, my advice to drop all emotions and forget they are married. What works for multi-national companies will work against a simple minded junkie.

    Again, my solution is just an alternative. I sincerely hope your good advice and well wishes of our fellow Pinoys will be more effective.

    My best to Linda.

    By Blogger T2 onit, at 10:04 PM, June 01, 2006  

  • very nice suggestions and comments from Ka Uro and T2 Onit..

    Linda,
    whichever advice you take, always acknowledge God first before you make any decisions.. have some quiet time by yourself and read the bible.. talk to God and ask Him to give you wisdom on what to do with your situation.. coz He said,

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding. In everything you do acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight"
    Proverbs 3:5-6

    very direct instructions from God.. don't stress your mind analyzing what went wrong, what to do next, etc... talk to Him everyday, read the Bible and you'll be surprise your situation will change.. coz God wants all His children to be happy and to prosper..

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE"
    Jeremiah 29:11

    God Bless!

    By Anonymous Art, at 3:09 AM, June 02, 2006  

  • Huwaran ka talaga, KU! Siguro kung isa kang ambassador, maraming NoyPi matutuwa sa serbisyo-publiko mo.

    By Anonymous malaya, at 6:49 PM, June 02, 2006  

  • Ka Uro, nasaan ka noong i was having marital problems? Anyway (Linda you don't have to follow me) after weighing how many bad days do I have in a week. I was having 6/7 and within a month I decided to go..My life now had turned to a much better one, no hard feelings in fact he remarried another Filipina, half my age, he is now happy and so am I. We had a son who has the best of both worlds. Of all people it's really the children who suffer so in your case you are lucky that they are not around. Ka Uro---you should set up something like Dr. Phil. Linda- all the very best to you. Every new day brings a new hope.
    Vicky of Kangarooland 'gday to all

    By Blogger VICKY, at 3:43 PM, June 03, 2006  

  • Well done KU, you simply gave her another way of looking at things. Noong una kong basahin and bigat sa dibdib but after reading your advice, i felt there's a chance after all. Hope you can continue helping more cabalens.

    By Anonymous BB, at 12:49 PM, March 11, 2007  

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